home what'snew resources ask amy news activism antiviolence events marketplace aboutus
Ask a Question!
Meet Amy!
Amy's Resource Guide
Ask Amy Main
TOPICS
Feminism
Girls/Children
Health
International
Media
Miscellaneous
Most Asked Questions
Politics
Reproductive Rights
Sexual Harassment
Violence Against Women
Women's History
Work/Career
   
 


 
Violence

Dear Amy, It's only been 2 months since my abuse happened with my ex-boyfriend, but I still think about It everyday, and I can't seem to get him out of my mind. Everyday I'm reminded about the abuse, because my family reminds me of what I went through, and that I will be ok. I personally don't feel as If I will be ok. I still feel as If he(the abuser)can get to me to hurt me , and my children.

To get to the story the abuse started happening when we found out that I was pregnant with my second child and his second child. I have a 4-year-old daughter, and now pregnant again at the age of 22yrs. Now him he already has a 3yr old son, and now the one I'm pregnant with. He was the sweetest guy I thought I have ever had until the day came when I told him I was pregnant then everything went down hill.

This Is when the physical, sexual, and emotional abuse started. He would force me to have sex with him anally until I bleed, being pregnant through all of this. At that time I thought the baby coming would help the situation, but It didn't It just made It worse. Then the physical abuse started, It didn't matter If I was pregnant with his child or not he still did It. Here are a list of the things he would do to me: Beat me for not having the house clean, Beat me for not having dinner ready on the table when he got home from work, Beat me for not having the kids in bed with a bath, beat me till I bled one time for getting sick, and for going to the hospital when I was pregnant, Beat me for going next door to see my friend, because he always thought I was sleeping with her and her boyfriend. I always got accused, he would come home drunk, and sexually abuse me by making me give a blow job, until I got sick all over him then he would beat me for getting sick on him.

He has burnt me with cigarette butts still red hot, He would push me into the stove while it was red hot I have the marks to prove it. He would choke me till I was blue in the face for no reason at all, I have had to sleep outside one night, it was freezing outside, He kicked me in the stomach when I was pregnant to make me lose the baby, Every time he kicked me I went into having contractions at 6 months pregnant, He has pulled my hair out and cut it all off, I have had numerous black eyes and bumps on my head from him beating me in the head. I could name so many more, but they would probably take up two pages. I finally gave up at one point, and was able to call the police, and he went to jail.

The only thing is that I took him back all, because he said he was sorry, and it would never happen again. Then I was in the car with him and our new son, because by this point our other two kids got taken away because he sexually abused them and physically abused them as well, and I was to stupidly in love with this man that would hurt my children and I never really wanted to believe it.

So at this point we were in the car together with our newborn son, and he was drunk, and driving, I had lit a cigarette and he told me to put it out, but on my way of throwing it out the window he started pulling my hair. I was close enough to get his throat and neck so i bit down as hard as i possibly could, but that was a dumb move on my part because he started beating me in the head with his balled up fists.

Well as he was doing this he was still driving and there was a cop sitting in the middle of the road helping out someone else, the thing that went through my mind was it was either save my life and jump out or for him to keep going home and for him to put my son in danger, so i jumped out of the moving car. the cop asked what was going on, and at that time he(the abuser) took off with my son in the car. the cops finally caught him and he went to jail. While he was in jail my only son left, because DSS took him away, because I put him in danger.

Well this is my story, and what I want to know is why even after it is said and done and I'm no longer with him(abuser)that i can't get the abuse out of me and off my mind even when i talk to my counselor?

It so hard living day after day thinking about what he has done to my family and me. I still don't have my kids back, but now I'm engaged to a very loving man that my family approves of, and I'm really close to getting my kids back. I did start my life over but I still think of him (abuser) in a way that it doesn't seem as if it will ever go away, but every one says that it will take some time but it feels as if he can still hurt me, and its hard for me to trust anyone that I'm with that they aren't going to do the same even though they say they never will.

Well if you would please respond back to me as soon as possible.

Sincerely, and thank you, Tiffany

 

 

Tiffany --

I think it is very common for people to continue to think about their abuse and their abuser. Some of it is that you are still trying to make sense of it all. Why did it happen? Why did you stay as long as you did?

These are obviously important questions to ruminate about, but the more important point is that you have moved on and are at a much healthier and safer place. Perhaps some of your feelings come because you are figuring out why you were in that situation and why no longer. How did you come to trust your judgment? These are things that I have heard other women say.

I hope that helps -- take care.

-- Amy

home | what's new | resources | ask amy | news | activism | anti-violence
events | marketplace | about us | e-mail us | join our mailing list

©1995-2002 Feminist.com All rights reserved.