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Violence

I've never wrote to an advice column before but I hope you can help me I am between a rock and a hard place, and really need some advice (and its about a man, it always is).

So I've been dating a guy for about 2 years now and the first six months were great!!! I fell in love but as soon as I did he changed...how you asked well let me tell you. First the arguing started and most of the fights were so stupid we were misunderstanding each other and what not. so I would usually apologise just to end the fight. Well then the arguing turned to screaming and cursing a lot then he started pushing me down to the ground army style and trying to make me stay because at that point I was trying to leave I wanted outta there. Then he started telling me he was gonna take my dog from me if I left him and how I wouldn’t like what was gonna happen if I did leave, so I felt like he intimidated me to stay with him. Well needless to say the more time went on the worse he got. well one day I had to be at work at 8 when normally I wasn’t needed until about 9:30 well he sprayed me with a hose because I had makeup on and he said it was to early to be dolled up and then when I tried to leave he chased me down the street and I got away...yayy me!

Well I get to my coworkers (a girl) and the police pull in behind me and arrest me and I am held in jail on a 48 hour hold for domestic violence/ assault with a deadly weapon. The bastard told the cops I ran him over and it broke his jaw and broke his arm.. he later dropped the bogus charges and I moved out immediately. well the first night at my new house my friend and brother had drove up from outta town and as we were leaving another friends house my ex chased the three of us with his cousins car, there were five of his family members against the three of us and they were trying to fight us because I broke up with him. (He told them I cheated on him and that’s who the two guys were) one was my brother that’s how jealous my ex is (he is sick in the head)well I called the police and they talked with the cousins and my ex and they were let free, then the cops were mad at us 3 and we were the ones who were attacked.

Well some time went by and he sucked up so much I thought he changed and we got back together well since then he broke the windshield on my car and denied it I called the police for that and after questioning us they said I was trying to commit insurance fraud then my boyfriend took off running and he had them on the run for about 6 hours before they caught him they took him to jail and the whole two months he was in jail he told me he was framed and he didn’t do it even though he plead guilty to it and is now on probation with a curfew well I moved about an hour away and he gave them my address when he was released from jail and he said he had nowhere to go he begged and pleaded until I let him stay.

One night the cops came to the house and found drugs in his possession and I got charged with that and ended having to bond outta jail (I never was in trouble before I met him.) Then they charged me for felony larceny because he stole a fridge and stove from a previous landlord. I had nothing to do with that I didn’t even know about it . Well I have asked him to leave my new house and he replies "make me" every time. He says if I break up with him when it comes time to go to court for these charges that he will stand up and tell them he saw me doing it so I feel trapped I don’t want to get in trouble with the courts but if I stay with him I'm afraid he is gonna poison me or something crazy.. I have caught him cheating on me several different times, he admitted to me one day about a year into our relationship that he has fathered eleven yes...eleven children. He screams at me stays out all night, sleeps at other women’s condos and lies about it but when I try to do something about it he threatens to call the cops on me and have me arrested.

He tells me he will plant drugs in my room for them to find so I will go to jail, he threatens to break all my stuff and hurt my dogs. If I try to leave he will lay behind my car tires so I cant move, or if I get away he will chase me. He cusses me at work in the grocery in front of my friends. He refuses to let me go anywhere unless he comes to. And now that it is summer break he has two of his eleven kids down for a couple moths so I couldn’t kick him out if I wanted to. He tells the kids I hate them and that I am making them sleep on the street because I don’t care. I own my own shop and he had a copy to my store hidden from me that I found. He has stolen over $2500.00 cash from me!!

He is just a jerk and I want nothing more to do with him but I feel like I cant do anything to make him leave until after the court date. He is supposed to testify in my defense about the stolen appliances, but will go against me if I leave him! He is always hurting me by pulling my hair or grabbing me, tackling me, slapping me in the face. This past Christmas he threw rocks at me and punched me twice because he had to much to drink. I had a busted lip and a black eye Christmas morning when I woke up He is always twisting the truth to make me feel like it's all my fault and I know it's not. I feel like I am stuck in this crappy relationship but I can't get away. There is so much more about him that I haven’t even touched on yet I could go on for days.

Please tell me how to handle this situation? I have never dealt with someone this insane in my entire existence, what should I do???? Sorry for the long letter, but it feels good to tell someone anonymous!
Thanks,
—The Prisoner of a Man

 

What a situation. I honestly think that the best thing you can do is to leave. That will help your sanity, make him take some responsibility and also signal to others that you aren't going to tolerate his behavior. As long as you are entwined, I think that people won't necessarily trust that your motives are clear or distinct from his. I know that it's hard to leave — especially when it's your own house, but I think the further you get from him the more likely your situation will improve.

Also, I think that you will learn how much better it was for your sanity to leave. The abuse and disrespect is tough enough, but what becomes even harder is how they/he will make it out to be your fault, thus challenging you on your own truths/reality. perhaps there is a friend you can go live with — or simply pack up and start new. I don't think the court hearing is enough and he could "turn" on your under any circumstances — right now you just have his "word" but you have had that before and it didn't get your very far. I hope you can find a way to make sense of all of this.

Amy