The
extent of incest and childhood sexual
abuse is difficult to measure because
of lack of reporting and lack of
memory. One study in which adults
were asked to report on past incidents
found that one in four girls and
one in ten boys experienced sexual
abuse.19
Incest and sexual abuse of children
take many forms and may include
sexually suggestive language; prolonged
kissing, looking, and petting; vaginal
and/or anal intercourse; and oral
sex. Because sexual contact is often
achieved without overt physical
force, there may be no obvious signs
of physical harm.
Whether or not the signs of abuse
are physical and obvious, sexual
abuse in childhood can have lifelong
consequences. As survivors, we often
blame ourselves long after the abuse
has ended--for not saying no, for
not fighting back, for telling or
not telling, for having been ``seductive,''
for having trusted the abuser. Often
there is no one to confirm that
someone treated us cruelly and that
this abuse was devastating to us.
For
the next 20 years I will probably
continue to walk around and ask
other women, "What was your childhood
like?" Hearing women say that
no one touched them sexually at
that young an age helps me realize
that something in my childhood
was really wrong.
Many of us have difficulty with
sexually intimate relationships
because of the memories they revive.
Many of us desire sexual intimacy
yet have difficulty trusting.
It's
been really hard to figure out
how this has affected me with
men. I've had a hard time figuring
out who is safe and who isn't.
Now the only way I will sleep
with someone is if I can have
complete control. I need permission
to feel uncomfortable with certain
sexual acts.
Just as battered women and women
who have been raped often blame
themselves for the violence, those
of us who have survived childhood
sexual abuse struggle with self-blame.
Teenagers with a history of incest
might "sleep around" in order to
feel accepted, or run away from
our homes and communities. Depression
is another common response to the
abuse, and adult survivors often
turn to drugs and alcohol to mask
the pain. Some of us feel worthless.
I
often feel hopeless and suicidal.
My father treated me with such
violence that this is the only
way I know to treat myself. I'm
learning better ways now, but
it's difficult.
It is often very difficult to talk
about incest or childhood sexual
abuse. Some of us may never have
told anyone, though the abuse may
have continued for years. We may
have dreaded family gatherings,
where a particular uncle or family
friend would come after us. For
some of us, exploring our bodies
with an older brother turned into
a sexual encounter, after which
we found ourselves feeling we had
been taken advantage of. Sometimes
a father, uncle, or teacher abused
our sisters, and we didn't find
out for years. Every survivor has
her own story, and every story is
valid.
Coping
Mechanisms
Each of us responds differently
to the pain and terror of incest
and childhood sexual abuse. We struggle
to find ways to cope that will permit
us to keep on functioning and to
survive. Too often, these coping
mechanisms become problematic and
don't serve the survivor well as
an adult. Common coping mechanisms
include self-injury, substance abuse,
eating disorders, and dissociation.
Self-injury.
Self-injury, much more common
among women than men, occurs when
we consciously hurt ourselves, by,
for example, cutting, hitting, or
burning ourselves. Because of the
shame surrounding self-injury, women
often keep this problem secret and
do not reach out for support from
others. Although self- injury is
not usually done with the intent
of suicide, it is a coping mechanism
that, though understandable, can
be seriously harmful to us. There
are many reasons why we injure ourselves.
Some self-injury acts to block out
emotional pain caused by childhood
abuse. Many of us say that the physical
pain evoked by self-injury diminishes
intense emotional pain. Self-injury
can also be a way of expressing
anger and other strong emotions
that were forbidden to us. Self-injury
can begin as a way to replay an
abusive experience in order to regain
control of it emotionally.
Substance
abuse. Many women who were sexually
abused during childhood find that
we have no outlet for the feelings
associated with the trauma of sexual
abuse. We may turn to alcohol or
drugs to help us cope with strong
feelings of terror, grief, and anger.
After prolonged use or abuse of
alcohol or drugs, we may find ourselves
addicted and in need of help for
a substance abuse problem. (See
chapter 3, Alcohol, Tobacco, and
Other Mood-Altering Drugs, for more
information.) Those of us who enter
treatment programs often find that
our feelings related to the sexual
abuse come up when we stop relying
on the substance. If this happens,
it is essential to have support
for the feelings connected to sexual
abuse and for recovery from substance
abuse. In recognition of the fact
that so many women in substance
abuse treatment programs are survivors
of childhood sexual abuse, treatment
programs are beginning to work with
rape crisis centers and other experts
on sexual assault to ensure that
this special support is provided.
I
thought that everything would
be better once I stopped drinking,
but now I have nightmares about
the abuse I went through as a
child. It makes it hard to keep
to my promise to myself to stay
sober.
Eating
disorders. Problems with eating
can develop in the wake of sexual
abuse. These may take several forms,
including bulimia, anorexia, and
compulsive overeating. Each of these
may serve as a different coping
mechanism and may itself become
a problem. (See chapter 2, Food,
for more information on these eating
disorders.)
Dissociation.
Many survivors are familiar
with dissociation. This is a process
that produces an alteration in a
person's thoughts, feelings, or
actions so that for a period of
time, certain information is not
associated or integrated with other
information.20
A continuum of sorts, dissociation
occurs when a child leaves her body
and goes to the ceiling during the
abuse. It can continue after the
abuse: we may have trouble concentrating,
experience detachment from ourselves,
have dramatic mood shifts, and/or
develop several distinct personalities.
If you find that a way you have
coped with being abused is causing
you problems as an adult, you can
get help. Remember that you did
what you did at the time in order
to survive. Once your method of
coping stops working, you can find
other, healthier ways to respond
to the violence you were forced
to endure. Be as gentle with yourself
as you can be, and know that you
don't have to face these experiences
alone. With gentleness toward yourself
and with the caring help of others,
you can build a support network
and practice new ways of taking
care of yourself.
Getting
Help
To heal from the trauma of incest
or early sexual abuse, we need to
tell our stories to people who understand
what we have experienced. Talking
with others in counseling or in
special support groups for women
with a history of incest breaks
the silence, helps us to gain perspective
and know we are not alone, eases
the pain and helps us feel healthier
and stronger.
I
now have a lot of compassion for
myself because I know the implications
of the abuse that occurred in
my life. I owe myself all the
understanding, patience, and acceptance
I can find--a ton of it.
Some women find that they need to
confront the family member who abused
them. This is a frightening task,
but if it is the right thing to
do for your recovery, it can also
be rewarding.
I
feel empowered by letting him
know I am aware that the incest
occurred. I feel empowered by
the fact that I didn't ask him
if he remembered--I just told
him. I knew he would deny it.
I just wanted to say, "This happened."
I did not expect results. Telling
him was the total opposite of
all that happened--what was invisible
is now out in the open.
Those of us with a history of incest
need to know that whatever we do
or don't do is all right, because
we have survived a childhood that
wasn't like a childhood at all.*
Feminist
Insights into Incest and Childhood
Sexual Abuse
Years ago, "experts" who wrote about
incest and child abuse blamed mothers
for abandoning their children to
sexually depraved husbands or accused
young girls of being seductive or
of fantasizing about sexual relationships
with male relatives. For the past
30 years, feminists have been challenging
these victim-blaming views. The
factors that contribute to incest
and sexual abuse of children are
very complicated. When boys and
men are supported in the belief
that they have a right to dominate
and control women and children,
they may well decide that this includes
the right to use us sexually. In
a society that puts so much emphasis
on sexuality as a measure of a man's
worth, fathers, uncles, and brothers
may try to bolster a low self-image
by taking sexual advantage of the
powerlessness of the children in
their lives. In addition, in a culture
in which male violence and sexuality
are merged, men may become incapable
of distinguishing between feelings
of sexual desire and violent impulses--even
when it involves their daughters,
sisters, nieces, or neighbors. Whatever
factors contribute to incest and
sexual abuse of children, it is
vital to remember that no child
deserves to be sexually abused,
and no child "invites" it.
As a result of recent challenges
to long-held myths about incest
and sexual abuse of children, reports
of child sexual abuse have increased
among adult women. One unfortunate
result of this change has been an
attempt to popularize the so-called
false memory syndrome. This theory
claims that many adults who remember
sexual abuse as children are actually
not remembering correctly. Research
into the subject of memories and
how they work, however, confirms
that children often repress their
experience of trauma in order to
survive and that this is a necessary
and appropriate coping mechanism,
not something that the child did
wrong. This research is helpful
in countering efforts to undermine
those who are able to finally give
voice to the violence they suffered
as children.21
