First
let me say that this is one of the happiest,
most special and profound days of my life.
The room is filled with so many people that
I admire who have been so important to me,
most especially Gloria and Eve who are two
personal heroes and mentors of mine, longtime
Feminist.com supporters, and constant sources
of inspiration. I can’t even express
what a thrill and honor it is to have them
here at this event. Thank you Gloria and
Eve for gracing this event with your magical
and powerful presence and for all the incredible
work you do in the world.
For quite a while I have been thinking about
what I was going to say at this event, especially
as the guest list began to fill with some
of my favorite people on Earth. And then
last week, I realized I better start writing
something down! And then came all the distractions,
one by one. The chaos, busyness and excitement
of a book launch and promotion. All the many
details and planning that go into putting
together Feminist.com’s first event
and fundraiser in all its fifteen years.
Two sick kids home from school and my own
eventual succumbing to congestion and exhaustion.
Mounting pressures, responsibilities, opportunities
and a general sense of overwhelm. And all
the while I am thinking, when am I ever going
to get around to writing my speech? When
will all these distractions die down, when
will my head clear so that I can write a
brilliant, perfect, polished, impressive
speech with something important and intellectual
to say?
And then I realized, my experience last week,
which included occasionally being near tears
at how I was ever going to manage and balance
everything, should be in my speech. I shouldn’t
bury it away and pretend like I have it all
together, all figured out, because I don’t.
I think it is sharing the personal truth
of our stories, particularly women’s,
that is called for now. Because until we
speak our truth, the messiness, the confusion,
our needs and challenges, we will never know
how we can help and support each other, we
will never know what needs fixing in society
and ourselves. And when I say “fix” ourselves,
I actually mean the opposite of what you
might think. Fixing something often means
that something is imperfect. That is the
opposite of what I mean. We were all born
perfect. I mean restoring ourselves to our
true being, to our raw experience of who
we really are, a self-knowing that we are
taught to suppress and deny by so many outside
forces, beginning when we are girls.
So, now onto some of
the messy truths of my own childhood. I
blew my curly hair straight everyday obsessively
for hours, wanting desperately to have
the straight hair I saw in the teenage
magazines. I began to dye my hair blonde
to complete the effect. I tried every crazy
diet and even used laxatives to lose weight,
and I watched as one close friend in high
school became severely anorexic and the other
bulimic, leaving our gatherings frequently
to purge. In my mind, this was all just normal.
I did everything I could to fit in and be
in the popular crowd. And, convinced the
name “Marianne” wasn’t
cool enough, I changed my name to “Chris” for
several years, which my parents, who are
here, can attest they weren’t too thrilled
about. But it was the ultimate proof and
testament to the fact that I was convinced
that who I was simply wasn’t acceptable.
I needed to change everything about me, to
fit into some outside, impossible to reach
ideal that had been subliminally put in my
psyche by the media and in our culture about
who I should be. And I was lost and miserable.
Popular, blonde and thin - but miserable
with no real idea of who I was or what the
meaning of my life was to be, other than
this striving to be someone else entirely.
It has taken me until my thirties to gradually
shake myself out of that spell prompted by
little epiphanies, life changes, and big
and small revelations. I began to take the
time to get to know myself again, to find
the time and space to have some important
inner dialogues. As one of the signs of this,
I came to love and accept (well, on most
days) my brown curly hair and the natural,
non-supermodel state of my body. And to begin
to discover and use my true voice. To speak
out for what I believe in. And to just be
who I am.
And that is the ultimate
message of this book, to dare to be yourself.
When I looked at the one theme that seemed
to recur again and again in the book, through
the eloquent and wise mouths of the incredible
women I interviewed, it was that single
concept. And as the wonderful Cambodian
activist and writer Loung Ung told me, “Courage
is when you dare to be yourself.” So
that is the other element we must call up
in ourselves, courage. It takes boldness,
strength and bravery to do this in our society,
to just brazenly be yourself, even when it
means going against the tide. And now that
women have access to so many choices in our
lives (thanks in part to the trailblazing
work of visionary women like Gloria), it
is essential that we have some sense of ourselves
first, so we know what choices are truly
right for us, both in terms of our happiness
and fulfillment, but also in order to contribute
our unique gifts and full potential into
the world. And the world needs us now, to
wake up and come into our inner power. And
it needs this from men too, to be able to
be their authentic selves, since men and
boys are just as impacted by destructive
gender stereotypes and pressures. And we
especially need to value those qualities
often associated as “feminine” that
exist in each one of us and are so often
undervalued and dismissed, such as compassion,
love, caring and feeling. Feeling. That’s
one of the things I love about Eve and Eve’s
writings and performances, she always makes
us feel, so deeply human and alive. We need
to do that, so we can feel love and joy in
our lives, as well as notice and bear witness
to the suffering in ourselves and humanity,
so that we can help put a stop to it. It
is essential now more than ever.
And I am
so hopeful for the future given the magnificent
work being done by all the people here in
this room, all the women in my book and all
the people doing this type of work throughout
the world. I am thankful to do work that
allows me to interact with and learn from
so many inspiring people contributing to
positive change in the world, and also to
be a part of a hugely exciting and transformative
medium like the Internet. Having been a part
of the Internet’s beginnings since
1995, I can attest to its amazing growth
- and that it is still evolving in its potential
to facilitate activism, provide alternative
sources of information, give everyone an
opportunity to have a voice and to usher
in change. And on a personal note, I am heartened
by watching my two amazing daughters Lotus,
nine and Jazmin, who turns thirteen today,
who unfortunately can’t be here tonight.
Both my girls are so much more centered ,
independent and in touch with who they are
than I was at their age. But it still irks
me when they occasionally obsess a little
too much about their looks, what they are
wearing, or begin to doubt what they know – I
think to myself, how did that get in, despite
all my efforts to keep that out? That is
what another one of my heroes, also in my
book, and who is also here, psychologist
Carol Gilligan said when this happens to
girls, right around my daughters’ age
(much younger in boys), when they begin to
doubt their true voice, they often never
reclaim it again, or to even notice that
this loss has happened. This almost happened
to me. This is happening all over the world
to women everywhere. So I take seriously
the work of Feminist.com, and of the incredible
people and organizations that we work with
and support in this global movement to help
women and girls to discover and use their
voice. And the world is starting to realize
how the empowerment of women and girls is
intricately connected to so many issues we
all care about and effect us all.
Working
on Feminist.com has been such a blessing,
personally and professionally. I have learned
so much through all the issues, thinkers
and organizations we represent. And writing
and sharing this book has been such a gift.
It was my honor to act as a conduit for the
wisdom and insights of the inspiring women
that I had the great pleasure and privilege
of interviewing. And I am so happy that a
few of the women in the book were able to
be here tonight to allow us to celebrate
them, such as Gloria and Eve, Carol Gilligan,
and Charreah Jackson and we celebrate the
others who have sent their regrets that they
couldn’t be here but are here in spirit.
And since this is also a celebration of the
amazing milestone of Feminist.com’s
15 year anniversary, I need to acknowledge
and thank the phenomenal women on the Feminist.com
Board of Directors, many of whom have been
with me since the day we conceived this site,
all of whom I love and respect dearly: Karen
Obel Cape, Ophi Edut, Tamera Gugelmeyer,
Lauren Wechsler Horn, Sheherazade Jafari,
Jennifer Meyerhardt, Amy Richards, Pamela
Shifman, and Susan Swan. A special acknowledgement
must go to Amy Richards who has personally
responded to thousands of emails through “Ask
Amy” over the years, offering her caring
and thoughtful advice, feedback and guidance.
I want to thank her on behalf of myself and
all of the people she has helped at the site.
My husband Tom Kay was also a founding board
member, but he can’t be here tonight,
since as an example of shared parenting,
he is taking care of my daughters. I also
want to thank my incredibly supportive parents,
Carol and Norman Schnall, as well as my amazing
brother Eric Schnall, who are all here and
I love them with all my heart. They know
firsthand my twisty journey to this day,
to being here with all of you, celebrating
so many wonderful people and things. Thank
you so much to all of you for coming and
I am honored to share this special evening
and magical moment with you.
***
And now I get the pleasure of introducing
one of the most inspiring women on the planet,
and a force of nature, Eve Ensler. Not many
people know that many of the first ideas
for V-Day originated at a Feminist.com board
meeting at my dining room table over ten
years ago when Eve came to talk to us about
her idea to use her groundbreaking play The
Vagina Monologues to help stop violence against
women, so I can truly attest to the amazing
power and force of Eve’s passion, commitment
and vision combined with her incredible capacity
for generosity and love. It is my honor to
introduce, the one and only Eve Ensler.
December 3, 2010, New York City
