I am a 25 year old Bi female terribly confused by pornography. I realize the harmful effects of it, I am opposed to it, and yet I cannot find a man who does not dabble in it. I am at the point where I am considering having relationships only with women, as they value me as a person, whereas men see a sex object. I know holding the values I do it is impossible to be with a man who does this and be true to myself. I hate to think that I must choose but as a childhood victim of sexual abuse I can no longer cope with porn and its effects. To be with someone who utilizes it is to condone the abusive attitudes that caused me to be victimized as a child. I am terribly torn up about this but I can't see alternatives at this point. I really need the input of other people to determine my future. Any idea where I can find information to help me come to some sort of decision? Cass

Thanks for your note to FEMINIST.COM--and from reading your note I can pick up on your genuine frustrations and concerns about pornography and how it plays out in your life and other peoples, too.

I've actually had a different situation from you in that--my two most serious boyfriends haven't been into pornography--or probably more accurate to say that they haven't sought it out. Though I have dated others who have been obsessed with it--and I know that for them there becomes a blur between reality and fantasy.

All of that is to say that I don't think that only dating women has to be your only option as there are men out there who aren't obsessed with pornography. However, the question you should be asking is that if you feel as comfortable with women as with men--then it might not ever be worth the potential gamble with men. However, you also can't believe that women are free from those fantasies. I know lots of women who are into pornography and though I haven't seen women be as destructive as a result, that may just be my experience.

I hope that helps, but mostly, I hope that you stay true to what you want from a relationship regardless of gender and that you are able to find that.

—Amy

—Amy