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I am 28 years old, my wife is 25, she has just begun the strugle to confront her oldest brother, who had sexually molested, humiliated and used her for three or four years of her childhood life. He was relesed from prison two years ago but has now moved back home, in the same town that we live in, and is seen at her parent's house once-in-a-while. My wife is recieving therapy for what has happened to her, and I am very proud of her for going. The problem is that I am now put on a waiting list for affection, romance and love from her. I love my wife, and I said I would wait for her with all the support I can give her. I just feel like she is punishing me for what happened to her when she was a child. We have two kids, and I am terrified of them going over to their grandparents house when he is there. I am also very sexually active, my wife was as well before her brother returned. Now I feel so alone because my wife can't make love to me or even meet me half way. I have tried so many different self motivated sexual toys that have run me over six hundred dollars in cost. A friend told me to take up a mistress. I can't make love or have sex with anyone else because of my love and devotion for my wife. I can't seem to masturbate successfully without her touch or visual presence. She means so much to my life that I am wondering if I'm really going to be able to hold on with her without making love to her or being sexual with her too much longer. I want to stay with her, but I also want to be loved. Is this so bad?? Is there a drug that will KILL my sexual drive?? Please help me - Alive & Kicking

I'm sorry to hear about your situation and even 'sorrier' to hear about your wife's. I don't have much advice or suggestions on the sexual drive front--except that you clearly love your wife and that should be incentive enough to squelch your urges for the time being. I, however, do want to reiterate how important it is that you support your wife. I--fortunately--was not sexually abused (that doesn't mean I didn't feel it at times)--but I do have friends that have been sexually abused by their fathers, brothers and friends of the family all while they were young girls. Hearing firsthand how hard it is for these women to be sexually active at certain times because it reminds them of being violated at an early age, I want encourage you to continue to support her during these times.

Also I want to assure you that you can't take it personally. You have to trust that you wife needs time to 'heal' from that experience and that there will be a time when the pain has subsided enough for her to "return" to your relationship. The fact that---I assume from your note---you two have a healthy sexual relationship based on mutuality is proof that she can recover from what happened because she knows the upside. Good luck to your and your wife.


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